Life is not always the way we planned it, imagined it or dreamed it. And when our dreams become like shattered glass, we want to rush in, pick up the broken pieces (even if we get cut and scrapped in the process) and put them back together again in a blink of an eye so we don't have to face reality. All the while sobbing because life will never be the same no matter even if we glue the pieces together again. Recently, I've had some dreams come to a screeching halt. And I'm mad. Upset. A tad bitter. I want to punch a wall, stomp my feet and yell "why me God, why?" A temper tantrum at 31 years old. Go me.
I want an answer to the "why." Why didn't it work out? Why didn't God make this happen? Or I try to console myself with "everything happens for a reason." While I firmly believe that, I also believe that we might not ever know the answer to the why. It is easy for me to think that because I didn't get to go on this trip, that something bad may be happening over there. Or violence would have started. Or something might have happened to the plane. Any of those things may happen, but in reality, probably not. It's just an attempt to help soothe the bitterness of a dead dream.
I may never know why I wasn't able to run Comrades or visit the villages in South Africa and see the kids that I am getting sponsored for the 106 Kids Project. And that's probably the scariest thing for me. I like answers. I don't like when I can't do something I've had my heart set on doing - nevermind the fact that I was training for. Will I get over it? Of course. But in the meantime, I am having a hard time letting it go.
This week, when every possible option was coming back a resounding no, I audibly told God, "It's in your hands. If you want me to go, you'll make it happen, but I give up trying/" Part of me was thinking, okay, now that I've "given it up," God will make it happen NOW and the fairy tale ending would be amazing. But I'm afraid that's not how it worked out.
I think a lot of times (in the faith based environment) we expect to have God give us what we want. Keyword, being we. Even when we "give it up" we aren't really giving it up, we just pretend we are in hopes of getting on God's good side. Or maybe I am the only one.
I also think that we all expect some sort of answer - either yes or no. But sometimes there are no answers. At least to us. And in those moments of darkness, when everything is pitch black and we don't how we will make it, there is a speck of light that beckons us to keep the faith - the hope - alive. And crawl out of that cave of darkness into the joyous light of day.
Some of you know the story of why I am not able to go. For those who don't, well, you'll just have to wait for the book :).
Keep the faith!
Photo by: jonfeinstein